Self Mastery in relationships: Exploring Boundaries

Five Lesson’s I’ve learnt about boundaries in relationships that have helped me transform my fear of rejection into deeper, more meaningful connections.

It’s been no secret that our relationships have been in the spotlight as a major theme of 2023, and boundaries are a massive part of any relationship.

I specifically want to share what I’ve learnt about boundaries as I believe they are an ever changing and growing thing for all of us. I am at a time in my life where boundaries are getting easier. What I’ve observed in treatment is that they are so unique to everyone- there really is no one size fits all or blanket statements.

Its been a long old journey from the girl whose self-worth was so low, I didn’t have any.

I would manipulate ( none malicious way) just to receive love, self- abandon at pretty much every level, and go into full on melt down if anyone ever set me one!

So some things I’ve learnt about boundaries:

1.Boundaries are about how I can love you, and how I can love me at the same time.

They aren’t a fixed thing, even though we usually imagine the act of setting boundaries is building a mile high wall around us so they can’t get in. That wall changes depending on your level of resources, and more to the point where your nervous system is at.

Sometimes those boundaries might feel like an electric fence because you’re feeling really up against it, and other times like jelly and you haven’t got any.

Working with my nervous system and giving myself permission to be more flexible and adaptable has eased a lot of anxiety and pressure I used to pile onto myself about putting and keeping those boundaries.  

Reframing placing boundaries from a place of love rather than fear, really consolidated this for me.

2: So lets talk about the fear.

I didn’t have any boundaries because I was so afraid that I wouldn’t be loved, I would loose an important connection, I would be on my own FOREVER….and the really dark one… I would actually die!

There is a balance and a duality within our relationships.

It’s somewhere between our need for connection and secure attachment, and our need for authenticity and individuality.

We need both. Period.

Depending on our attachment styles, our trauma patterns and nervous systems we could go one way and become too selfish/ self-absorbed/ self-indulgent or go the other way and be co dependant, enmeshed, and loose our sense of self.

Within every relationship this dance along this scale will look different.

With one person we might feel really connected and together, and others where we find it easier to be self-indulgent and more rigid.

We might have periods of our life where we spend more time at one end than the other.

AND if we really want to zoom out into the soul’s perspective, I have come across souls before who are supposed to be more self-indulgent that most other people, and its to do with their soul mission and purpose. Too much to explain here but its few and far between!

ALL ARE OK!

Facing your fear, like I did ( and still do) is the only thing that Frees you, AND free’s your relationship.

We might believe there is a threat of disconnection and abandonment BUT speaking your truth and communicating your feelings and needs will always lead to GREATER connection and intimacy. AND if they aren’t the right person, they will leave.

 This authenticity makes space for the right person to step into your life and also flexes that muscle of self-trust and connection, as you honour yourself.

3.Boundaries come from the body and not from the mind!

I’ve tried this. Mentally and even vocally exerting a boundary without much success in breaking the pattern. I literally was like “WHHYYYYYY GOD, why does this line keep being stepping up too and crossed. Nobody is listening”

And it’s because I hadn’t sorted it in my nervous system and energy first.

Your body lets you know when the boundary has been crossed. That rise in fire, or for me, fawning, followed by disassociation. Looking back, I can feel like a little piece of me was dying every time I went against myself and my own knowing, and yet completely trapped by the fear of being rejected.

I knew on a mental level what I needed to say, and do, but my body was still working against me, because I was so dysregulated. The message it was sending out over and over again was this is not safe.

It wasn’t until I practiced the boundary in my body, learnt exercises to process the stress during the conversation and bring myself back into regulation that I began to see a change. I also had to practice sitting with myself in the uncomfortability (because lets be honest not everyone is going to enjoy the change in you).

More recently this has led me to ponder if placing boundaries is even an act of doing, but rather letting go.

If I can trust when I am my most authentic self, those that are ment to be in my life will be, and those who can’t handle authentic Bex will just simply fall away. I really try to practice “everything is always working out for me”, even painful good byes and closing of chapters I want to believe there is a higher purpose.

5.Finally, boundaries, is also about being a good receiver and honouring another’s.

Like I mentioned above, I would have a full melt down if I was ever presented one.

I mean of course I would, If I didn’t have any, I certainly didn’t expect anyone else too. AND I also told myself I was being a good/ the perfect person by not having any, and would cast streams of judgement to the cold hearted beast that threw one my way.

Boundaries is an act of love. One that you give yourself and one that you offer another when your honour theirs.

Again, in times where I would spiral and head into fear in receiving a boundary, I had to really dig deep and learn to self sooth. What I see in treatment is this is really hard to do for anyone without a secure attachment. It takes an enormous amount of patience, kindness and compassion to show up for your inner child who is deeply afraid.

So these are five lessons I’ve learnt about boundaries on my journey.

This is really deep shadow work and is really nuanced to every individual which is why I really recommend reaching out to someone who can support you. Many of us have an idea of boundaries as a mental concept, but I believe the quickest way to create long lasting change in this area is by working with the nervous system and the body, and making sure we are building tools and practices to support us regulate and self sooth. It will be uncomfortable for a while!

But make no mistake, this is a powerful area that will catalyst all of your relationships, especially the one you have with yourself, and the uncomfortability we feel in the beginning is only temporary. It does get easier- promise.

I hope this offers some support, curiosity and hope for those of you who are facing deep lessons with this.

All my love

Bex